 EMBRACING THE CLASSICS–FOR CASH!One disadvantage of being a Satanic minister and prophet is the diminishment of taboo thrills. For the Catholic Priest, it is enough to play pinch-and-squeal with a choirboy. There is thrill is in the illicit. "God has chosen you, little one. My hands on your pee-pee is a secret between you, me, and Jesus." And so on. As a Satanist, we seek to oppose God’s plan by promoting evil in every way possible. Our tools are deception, temptation, and attack. And look at the way we're raising our children? How can we expect them to grow up feeling guilty about sex when we buy them prostitute Bratz dolls to play with? When I suggested that we hold a "Tiny-Tot Lingerie Fashion Show," it was just on a lark. I never expected that it would be our most popular monthly event! So long as I'm doing evil, I can do none, and I'm getting a little bored with the whole thing. I need to get out of this shit-hole, quite frankly. A trip to my Babylon – New York City – would put a spring in my step and reconnect me with human degradation. I need to party with some real sinners, boyeeeeeeee! That I use the ministry coffers like my own personal ATM is a fact well-known to parishioners. What type of Satanic minister would I be if I didn't embezzle and launder? But we have some important projects coming up in the next quarter – projects I'm very excited about – and we're going to need the funds. An additional hour of Sunday School for the kids? How could I do anything but support that? Replacing the acrylic skull candelabras with actual human skulls? Long since overdue. The orgy sauna? If you build it they will cum! And so I propose a corrupt and seedy fundraiser to fatten my wallet for a Big Apple escape. I will read classic works of literature, and you will sponsor my endeavor at a rate of $40/hour. Charlotte Brontë's masterwork, Jane Eyre? I'll read that for $40/hour. Franz Kafka's The Trial? Make the check out to Charles Gurtien. Crime and Punishment? Shit, at $40/hour I'll read it in Russian.
I fully expect that my plan will cause some grumbling. Does he really expect us to sponsor reading? To the meatheads who ask this, allow me to pose a question in return. Would you rather I run? To sponsor me by the mile, as they do for breast cancer research and the like? You prefer to pay me to exercise? Book reading is exercise for the mind, my friends. The brow furrows. Synapses fire. While the body rests the brain crackles with activity. Besides, people who run in public are assholes. Everything about them is annoying: their ridiculous sweat-wicking outfits; their bony knees and hollow chests. Running, as any American knows, is the purview of cowards. The sponsorship sheet will be up on the big board, and I'll be emailing and calling some of you individually. |
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