SEXYPET™ COSTUMES  Geek and Satanic philanthropist Bill Gates recently announced that Microsoft would hold a "Best Business Plan 2008" competition. Entry is open to all manner of business concepts and the person or team who submits the best plan will win $1,000,000 in venture capital. Far be it from me to look a gift-nerd in the mouth, and so here goes my pitch. Please answer the following (3) questions honestly. Question #1) How many people want to fuck their pets? Question #2) How many people do not fuck their pets for fear of conceiving an illegal human/pet hybrid baby? Question #3) How many couples would like to spice up their lovemaking? The answer to all three is the same: EVERYBODY! Now, we know we can't fuck our pets, as much as we may want to. We also know that having sex with our wives and girlfriends is totally boring. It's like having to watch Citizen Kane. Everyone keeps telling you that it's the greatest movie ever made, and then you watch it, and you're like, "that's it?"
"That's what SEXYPET™ COSTUMES is all about!" shouts Charles Gurtien. The customer sends us a photograph of their pet. A boa constrictor; a German shepard; a parrot. We then create a costume that simulates the look-and-feel of that pet, but with special openings that allow for standard human coitus. EXAMPLE: My cat's name is Banshee and I want to fuck her real bad. Such a thing would typically be impossible, considering the size of my beef log and the fact that getting her pregnant would land me in prison. Also, having to pay child support for a human/feline hybrid is not my idea of smart financial planning. With SEXYPET™ I can skip all that noise! I can get a lifelike costume replica of Banshee that my girlfriend can wear. Once in costume, my girlfriend can tease me in all the ways that Banshee does. She can lick her "fur." She can purr. Lap milk from a bowl. She can throw her hindquarters into the air and meow loudly, like a "bitch" in "heat." Checkmate. Game over! I'll make my mil in large, unmarked, non-consecutive bills. |
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