COMMUNITY RECYCLING: A SUCKER'S GAME  An item lifted from the pages of the most recent East Ridge Community Newsletter: We've made great strides in the community recycling efforts over the past year, but there's still much to be done. The following items belong in their respective blue recycling bins AND NOT in garbage cans or dumpsters.
-Vicki Wood President, East Ridge Community Org. Waco, Texas
Vicki Wood hates my guts. She is bigoted against me because I am smarter, more talented, and more cultured that she could ever dream of being. Also, I have banged half the women in the neighborhood but I would never bang Vicki Wood. I reject her as a woman and as a human being. Although she has never said it, I also suspect that she does not agree with my religious views. In the same six-years that I have won the garden tour competition, Vicki Wood has taken silver. I trash talk her openly. "Second place is first loser!" I shout down at her from my lofty perch on the award stanchion. I make no qualms about it; my green thumb is a gift from my dark liege, Satan. My tomatoes swell with the redness of hell-blood. She has suggested that I use illegal fertilizers and pesticides, to which I reply, prove it. And this isn't the only point of friction. At this year's East Ridge Pie Bakeoff, she suggested that my Dutch Oven Apple Pie was store-bought. Well, if your lemon meringue is any indication, you should be well acquainted with sour things, and so sour grapes upon you, Vicki Wood! I am Charles Gurtien: satanic minister, prophet of darkness, scourge of all things holy. I am also a pastry chef nonpareil; a landscaper with an artist's eye! It's not about having the most expensive perennials, Vicki Wood it's about color, levels, and spacing. My garden brings all the boys to the yard. I could teach you, but I'd have to charge. The news item in the newsletter was aimed directly at me. I do not recycle. I have neither the time nor the patience to pick through garbage. Call me a priss, but I've always considered garbage to be dirty. It is not something I intend to root through like a common hobo. I'm too busy having a life! Garbage is not clean laundry. It does not need to be pressed and folded. You throw it into a black bag. You lug that filthy bag to the corner. Then, a miracle! Someone comes in the night and takes the bag away. That's how garbage works. I did not sign up to be part of any garbage-pickers club.
As for all those broken bottles? I proudly raise my hand! Under cover of darkness, in my black hooded cloak, I move stealthily about the neighborhood, grabbing up any bottles I see in the blue bins and swiftly spiking them. Since I've begun this effort, the homeless traffic in our neighborhood has greatly reduced. A broken bottle cannot be returned for a nickel, which is one less nickel that will be spent on malt liquor. I'm not only doing my part to protect our property values, but I'm reaching out to the homeless as well. No need to thank me. This is not about recycling anyway. It's about Charles Gurtien, who is classy, and Vicki Wood, who is tacky. Vicki, I want to be a good neighbor. If the pizza boxes and milk cartons bother you so much, you are free to pick in my garbage and separate everything into it's proper bin. I won't call the police on you. I won't even make bag-lady jokes at you from my window. |
info@gurtienministries.org
© Copyright 2003,2004,2005,2006,2007 Charles Gurtien Satanic Ministries