SERMON THAT WILL MAKE YOU WANT TO MOUNT (ME!)  What follows is a transcript of the sermon I delivered at HellCon 2007 last august. I was (of course) the closing speaker of the conference, and the sermon is considered one of my greatest religious orations. The transcript includes some stage direction that recounts my various struttings and postures. ***
A massive auditorium. Standing room only. Darkness. Then a sound. The beating of a heart. The heartbeat grows until it shakes the walls (this is possible because the sound system kicks ass). The assembeled Satanists rise to their feet. They cheer. They stomp their feet. Orgies occur. The walls sweat. A bell tolls. This is called an "audio transition." The unmistakable first strains of For Whom the Bell Tolls by Metallica fades up, full. Large projection screens flash violent images. The crowd is now a wild thing. A hateful mob. I scan the audience from my hidden position in the wings. I feel like Judy Garland pumping herself up before a grand entrance. In one quarter I see a no-holds-barred fuck session – in another, a pit fight. The smell of sweat. Of blood. Of semen and "cunny honey." CA-BOOM! I enter this tempest of degradation through a corona of pyrotechnics. I shuffle-step through the flames. The roar of the crowd is trememdous. Framed by sparks and embers, I do an amazing barbarian dance (a dance I sort of stole from Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis). The music fades. The crowd settles down. I speak. CHARLES GURTIEN
Quick as lightening I jam three fingers down my throat and vomit on the first row. Again, the crowd goes wild. I toss my head left and right, spewing the contents of my stomach like a dragon. Oh, how the lucky ones savor my bile!You call yourself Satan Worshippers? YOU ALL MAKE ME SICK! I wipe my chin. After about five minutes of frenzied cheering they finally calm down. |
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