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 Q: What does Satan look like?
A: Satan is a dragon! An old serpent! A roaring lion! Satan is a little girl enjoying a puff of crack, or an elderly woman stuffed away in a nursing home. He is a trickster and a slanderer; a speaker of fork-tongued lies. Satan takes innumerable forms. Learn to see the evil in the world, and you will see that Satan is all around you.
But you're not asking about his supernatural transmutations. You're interested in his "Beelzebub, Prince of Demons" look. His default form. I'm sick of answering this question, and so I'll post it here in hopes that I don't have to answer it any more. I mean, have you people ever read a book? Have you ever watched a fucking movie?
His skin is red. His chin is pointy and made to look pointier by his black, cone-shaped goatee. Two horns, akin to those of a ram, twist from the sides of his head. His eyes are as black as fired coal. He’s tall. About 6’5”. His cloven feet are forever filthy, and leave sooty footprints wherever he steps. His physique is impressive; if it weren’t for his demigodlike status, you'd suspect him of steroid use. He has horrible breath, which he is proud of. He wears a loincloth. He is rarely without his oversized, gothic-looking trident.
Note: There are a lot of Devil products out there: “Little Devil” stuffed toys, "Diablo" hot sauce, “Sexy Devil” Halloween costumes. For the record, these piss Satan off.
Q: Is Satan always evil?
A: Oh, no. Not at all. He's known as "The Author of All Evil" because of his extensive volunteer work with the Boys & Girls Club of America. Of course he's always evil, you rube! I mean, like anyone, he has good moods and bad moods, but when he’s in a good mood, it’s usually because something really evil has happened. I’ll never forget April, 1975, when the Khmer Rouge occupied Phnom Penh. You’d think he’d just won a trip to Disneyland!
Q: Is it true that Satan invented science?
A: Much has changed since the Bronze Age. These days it's hard to get people to sacrifice a goat in Satan's honor, let alone a human! I mean, how  many witches have you burned in your life? When was the last time you saw someone beheaded for heresy? However grudgingly, Satan has had to change with the times, and so he created the "liar's carnival" known as science. There is only one truth in the universe, and that is God's truth, as laid out in the Holy Bible, King James Edition. Anything that pulls man away the word of God is a lie, and Lucifer isn't called "The Father of Lies" for nuthin'!
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© Copyright 2003,2004,2005,2006,2007 Charles Gurtien Satanic Ministries |
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