 I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it.—Voltaire, in a letter to M. Damiliville, May 16, 1767 Welcome to GurtienMinistries.org – Satan's official rest stop on the Information Superhighway. Ours is the only Christo-Satanic Church that preaches the TRUE WORD OF DIABOLOS. There are other Satanic Ministries that claim to do the Dark One service—the Church of Satan, the House of Ottawa—but to the Dark Prince, they are like ugly women; good for a blowjob, but not someone you'd take home to meet mom. Ours is a Christian religion; the Holy Bible, King James Edition, our holy book. We are biblical literalists who allow for alternative interpretations of the gospels. The Book is infallible but we, as mortals, are not. Why permit modern theists to define the practical application of our holiest of holies? Nay! Our minds are open to awe-inspiring vastness of biblical truth. THE THESIS OF OUR SECT I'll not beat around the burning bush with a lot of ministerial mumbo-jumbo here. The foundation of our belief is this: That God lives and he is the King of Heaven; that Lucifer lives and he is the Angel of the Abyss; that we choose Satan as our master and damnation as our fate. The Christian heaven sounds a lot like the Christian life: obnoxious, poorly tailored, and replete with bad haircuts. I'd rather be whipped by a hell nymph than lounge on a soggy cloud, thank you very much! Also, if being in heaven means that I have to wear a white robe and listen to new-age harp music for all eternity, it'd rather cease to exist. Heaven is Disney World. Hell is Vegas. If you prefer the former to the latter then you are either 9-years-old or an asshole. Satanists are pimps and prostitutes, scientists, corporate executives, and theater-artists. Our hands are anointed with Holy Vaseline™ so that we may more skillfully manipulate the anus. If Satanism is the doctrine of the Antichrist then we are the Anti-Christian. We are gluttony. We are sloth. We are murder. We dig Hip Hop and R&B. Yet, to be an anti-anything, you must recognize that thing against which you rally. And so we recognize that conservative Christians are the doers of God's work. We applaud them. Then, we pop a squat and shit on their lunch. It is my hope that you peruse our site and its many offerings and come away feeling spiritually refreshed. Also, I hope you will develop a dirty feeling all over. That, after a time, you'll feel violated. Outraged, even. Then, I hope you get horny. Such is the rainbow of emotion I feel every time I am visited by The Dark Prince. Did I mention that Satan visits me on a regular basis? Through visions, full-body possessions, and a number of small tricks and temptations? Did I mention that I have walked proudly though the gates of hell, as a living prophet, and have returned to bear witness to the evil I have seen? No? Well, it's heavy, baby. Send us a letter. Solve a mindbending brain teaser. Take a ride with me in my 2006 Toyota Prius. Still more questions? Many can be answered by visiting our FAQ section. But please, click here if you make less than $40,000 a year, because we're really looking to target the middle- and upper-class. See you in Hell!  |
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